Spoofyrinth
by cybria
Summary: Third Chapter up! Sarah is becoming less and less confused.
1. It Starts

Disclaimer stuff: I don't own the Labyrinth or any of it's characters, I'm just unofficially spoofing it. :) enjoy.

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(The scene opens up on a lovely green park. It's a cloudy yet enjoyable day out. A young girl-- dressed in a dress fit for a princess and a lovely garland-- stands alone at the edge of the park, reciting to the air a well-known ballad from the depths of her heart.)

Sarah: You put your right foot in, you take your right foot out, you put your right foot in then you.... you.... dang. I can never remember that part. _(Her dog barks, who is watching from a distance) _Oh, like it never happens to you! _(Suddenly, the nearby clock tower starts to chime seven. Sarah gasps) _Sweet bouncin' Bobby! It's seven already? C'mon, Merlin, gotta go! _(They take of down the street, around the corner, up a hill, under a bridge, around the bend, and, oh, through an alleyway or two. Finally, they arrive home. It suddenly starts raining)._

Sarah: Augh, this is crunk! 

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(Her step mom opens the door)

Step mom: You rotten kid! You're late!

Sarah: Yes, Mother dear. I apologize profusely. Is there anything I can do to redeem myself?

Step mom: Me and your dad are going crow shooting tonight. Watch the kid.

Sarah: Yes ma'am!

Step mom: Get upstairs!

Sarah: On my way! _(Sarah leaps up the stairs in an annoyingly cheerful fashion)_

Step mom: I shoulda sent you to boarding school!

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(Sarah goes to her room to find that her favorite bear is missing from her shelf. She goes to her little brother Toby's room and finds it on the floor beside his crib).

Sarah: Oh, there you are, Lancelot! Toby, would you like to play with Lancypoo? _(She puts the bear in the crib and Toby spits up all over it)_

Sarah: Oh, you're such a growing boy!

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(Toby starts to cry, and Sarah lifts him over her shoulder) 

Sarah: There, there, nothing to worry about. _(Suddenly, out of nowhere, Toby takes a huge dump in his diaper)_. Eww! That tears it_. (She lifts him over her head)_ JUMANJI!! Er...I mean...Goblin King, Goblin King! It's more than I can bear; get this stinky kid out of my hair! _(This only makes Toby cry even more. Sarah sighs and puts him back over her shoulder._ _)_Oh, calm down. I didn't mean it. If I meant it I would have said, "I wish the goblins would come and take you away...right now." _(She puts Toby back into her crib and leaves the room. Strangely, as soon as she leaves, Toby stops his crying. She goes back to investigate. )_ Toby? What's wrong? _(She approaches the crib and she sees a small figure crawling around under the covers that isn't Toby.)_ What the-- _(Suddenly, there is a flash of lightening, and Sarah sees and owl outside her window trying to get in. The window flies open. Sarah grabs a slingshot from under the bed.)_

Sarah: Take this, you nasty bat! _(She shoots a rock at the figure, but instead of hitting the owl, it hits a tall man who looks like a funky Robin Hood with a mullet)._

Sarah: Oops, my bad...

Jareth: That hurt, you twit!

Sarah: Sorry! That's what you get for flying through people's window like you own the place? Who are you?

Jareth: I think you know who I am.

Sarah: Rod Stewart?

Jareth: No.

Sarah: Sting?

Jareth _(annoyed) _No.

Sarah: Ooh, I got it! You're David--

Jareth: No, you simple girl! I'm the Goblin King!

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(Silence)

Sarah: _The _goblin king?

Jareth: _(Proudly) _Yes.

Sarah: Eh...

Jareth: What?

Sarah: Nothing...I guess I was expecting someone a bit more...intimidating.

Jareth: I _am _intimidating! See, listen _(clears throat) _I have your brother now, Sarah. I've freed you.

Sarah: _You _took my baby brother? What'd you go and do that for?

Jareth: What's said is said.

Sarah: I said that I _didn't _want him to go.

Jareth: Go back to your room, Sarah. Play with your costumes

Sarah: I want my brother back!

Jareth: I brought you a present. It's just a crystal. Nothing more. But if you turn it this way, it will show you your dreams.

Sarah: Are you even listening to me?

Jareth: But it isn't for ordinary girls...

Sarah: _(holds her forehead)_

Jareth: Girls who take care of screaming babies--

Sarah: Look, Goblin Guy-- _(Jareth corrects her) _Okay, look, Jareth, I appreciate the offer, I really do, but my step mom is going to bash my head in like a rotten pumpkin if I don't get the kid back.

Jareth: Very well then. _(He points out of the window, towards a castle in the distance that wasn't there before. It's surrounded by a seemingly impossible maze)._

Sarah: Ooh! The castle beyond the Goblin city!

Jareth: Ding ding. (Rolls his eyes)

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(She looks back to him, and they are no longer in the house, but a top a windy hill. Jareth points to a clock sitting in a tree that is numbered to thirteen instead of twelve) You have thirteen hours to solve the labyrinth.

Sarah: _(Pokes at the clock) _I think they're something wrong with it...you'd better get your money back.

Jareth: _(Impatiently) _The clock is fine!

Sarah: It goes up to thirteen--

Jareth: Do you want your friggin brother back or not??

Sarah: All right, fine! Solve the labyrinth. Got ya.

Jareth: Like I said, you have thirteen hours to solve the labyrinth, or your brother will become one of us. 

Sarah: Ew!

Jareth: Beginning now! _(He transforms into an owl once more, then with a flutter, he flies off towards the distant castle)_

Sarah: Oh, it's all easy for him, I've gotta do it the hard way. Lousy bat...


	2. Into the Spoofyrinth

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Disclaimer: Please don't sue me! I don't claim ownership of the movie "Labyrinth" or any of its characters. Praises to George Lucas and Jim Henson for such a great movie. Now on with the show!

(Sarah makes her way down the hill. At the bottom, there is a huge wall of the labyrinth. Sarah wonders how to get in.)

Sarah: I wonder how to get in...

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(Just then, she hears singing nearby.)

Hoggle: _(singing) _I'm peeing in the pond, I'm peeing in the pond, hi ho, the merry-o! I'm peeing in the--hey now! _(Upon seeing Sarah, he quickly zips his pants) _A girl!

Sarah: _(giggling) _You peed in the water. Eww!

Hoggle: Oh, grow up. Can I help you?

Sarah: Yes. I'm looking for-- _(Hoggle holds up his hand and cuts Sarah off mid-sentence. Spotting something in the air, he picks up a can and sprays the creature, then another.) _57...58! 

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(Sarah walks over to him)

Hoggle: Don't touch them. They bite.

Sarah: Oh, a sweet fairy!

Hoggle: They bite _hard._

Sarah: You're so cute! I think I'll pick you up.

Hoggle: One broke my skin once...had to get a shot for that one.

Sarah: Oh, shame on you for hurting such a-- ow! _(she drops the fairy) _It bit me!

Hoggle: Duh. Twit. 

Sarah: What was that?

Hoggle: ......I said, "What is it?"

Sarah: Oh, yeah...I was wondering if you could help me get into the labyrinth?

Hoggle: Why do you want to do that?

Sarah: Sting--

Hoggle: Jareth.

Sarah: Yeah. Jareth took my baby brother and I have thirteen hours to get him back.

Hoggle: Haha. you wished him away, didn't ya?

Sarah: Yes...I think we've confirmed that.

Hoggle: Watch it, smarty butt. 

Sarah: I'm sorry...it's just I'm trying to get this kid back-- _(she sighs) _My parents can't kick this crow shooting habit...it's been a long day.

Hoggle: I understand.

Sarah: Thanks.

Hoggle: Well, it's a big risk, but if you _really _wanna get into the labyrinth... _(he points to a section of the wall, and it opens up like a double doorway.) _Bon Voyage!

Sarah: Coolies! Do it again!

Hoggle: Don't you have a brother to rescue?

Sarah: Oh, yeah...See ya!

(Despite her short attention span, Sarah was determined to reach the castle before it was too late. Once in the labyrinth, she looked to her left, then to her right. Each way seemed like an endless corridor with no change in direction.)

Sarah: Some maze...

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(She decides to go right. She walks that way for awhile, then she starts to run. but the corridor seems endless. Finally, she stops and kicks the wall in frustration.)

Sarah: How I kick this wall, for I am frustrated!

Wormy: No, you're kicking my house like a retard, you twit!

Sarah: Why does everyone keep calling a-- hey, who said that?

Wormy: _I_ did, genius. Look down!

(Sarah looks down to see a tiny creature staring up at her angrily)

Sarah: Aw, a centipede! I love centipedes!

Wormy: Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we?

Sarah: _(stares blankly) _Huh?

Wormy: _(sighs) _I'm a worm, thank you. And keep it down? If my wife wakes up, she won't ever be quiet! "Wormy, we need a bigger place. Wormy, it's cold. Wormy, when are you going to get a job? Wormy this, Wormy that," _I can't take it anymore!!_

(Sarah stares at the worm as a vein starts to protrude from his tiny forehead.)

Sarah: Um, sorry to hear that.

Wormy: Oh, you would be, wouldn't you? You don't have to live in a stinkin' hole in the wall--

Sarah: Sorry to interrupt, but I really need to get through this place. Can you help me? There's no turns or anything.

Wormy: _(sniffs) _Sure there are. You just have to look. Try that wall behind you.

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(Sarah looks behind her)

Sarah: But...there's nothing there!

Wormy: Just try it, will you?? Can't you see I'm having a crisis?

(Sarah sighs and walks to the wall. She looks at it for a moment, then takes a step against it and pushes, but she stumbles forward.)

Sarah: Hey, it's an passage way!

Wormy: Told you. No one ever listens to me...

Sarah: Wow, this is great. Thanks, wormster!

Wormy: That's not my name!

Sarah: Uh, okay. I'll be off now. Bye!

(She turns left and starts to walk.)

Wormy: Don't go that way. It'll take you straight to the castle.

Sarah: Really? Ha! That wouldn't have made a very rousing plot. Thanks!

(She goes right. Once she emerges from the passage way, a maze of twists and turns lies before her. It looked difficult, but even though she had an inability figure out difficult stuff, she was unwavering in her venture.)

Sarah: Wait a minute! I have a short attention span _and _I can't figure out difficult stuff?

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(They go hand in hand, kid.)

Sarah: But that's not fair!

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(And your point is?)

Sarah: Oh, come on! Give me a break!

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(Alright, fine...Suddenly, Sarah gets an idea.)

Sarah: Yay!

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(She takes out her lipstick and marks an arrow on every few cobble stones she passes so she'll know which way she's going.)

Sarah: Hey, this was pretty smart of me.

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(Meanwhile, at the castle, Jareth is sitting in his chambers with baby Toby on his lap, surrounded by his goblin subjects. They're making a big racket. Jareth sets Toby down and stands up.)

Jareth: _(points to a goblin) _You remind me of the babe.

Goblin No. 6: What babe?

Jareth: This babe I saw at Fey Beach last week. Awesome chick. She was a Virgo and she's into Jethro Tull. Anyway, she seemed interested but she didn't like my mullet, so she was history. My mullet is beautiful.

Goblin No. 6: _(Somewhat uncomfortable now) _Um...okay...can I go now?

(Back in the labyrinth, Sarah is still marking up stones with her lipstick.) 

Sarah: That was _my_ idea!

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(Uh huh. But unbeknownst to her, little goblin people had been turning the stones around while she wasn't looking to confuse her.)

Sarah: Hey!

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(Oops...)

Sarah: You're making that up!

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(Am not! It's in the script. See for yourself!)

Sarah: _(Takes the script out of her back pocket and reads page 8) _He's right! Dumb doo doo head!

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(Hey, watch the name-calling! I'm only doing my job.)

Sarah: It's not fair! Augh! _(She jumps up and down furiously)_

Jim: That's right. It's _not_ fair! Hehe!

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(Sarah looks over and sees two doors that weren't there before. Between the doors, there is a blue shield and a red shield. There is a head poking out at either end of each shield.)

Sarah: Weird...those weren't there before.

Tim: Yep, and neither was that dead end behind you!

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(Sarah turns around to see that there actually is a dead end behind her.)

Sarah: My head hurts.

Jim: You should try one of these doors.

Tim: One leads to the castle.

Jim: And the other leads to...dun dun dun...certain death!

Sarah: Okay, so which is which? 

Jim: We can't tell you. _(snickers)_

Sarah: Why not?

Tim: Um...don't know. Ask them.

Sarah: Fine, I'll ask them.

Ralph: Uh...it's in the rules. You can only ask one of us.

Alph: One of us tells the truth and one of us always lies!

Sarah: Do we really have to go through this?

Ralph: Of course!

Alph: Besides, we have nothing better to do.

Sarah: _(mumbles) _Obviously...

Guards: What was that?

Sarah: Er...nothing. Give me a minute.

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(One hour later)

Ralph: Do you have a question _yet_?

Sarah: Um...yes! _(Walks over to Tim) _Answer me yes or no. Does he wear boxers or briefs?

Tim: What does that have anything to do with it?

Sarah: Because if he wears boxers, then you would wear briefs, but if he said that _he_ wore briefs, then he'd be lying, but then that's only if you're the one _not _wearing boxers and he was the one wearing boxers instead...my head hurts again.

Jim: _(Points) _Just take that one.

Sarah: _(Holding her head) _Okay. Thanks for your help! _(She opens the door and takes a step forward. Suddenly, she begins to fall)_

Sarah: BWAAHHH!

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(What will happen next? Has Sarah met sudden doom? Will baby Toby ever return home? Will he remain in the goblin kingdom forever? Okay, you already know what happens, but stay tuned anyway to see me twist the unsuspecting plot. Bwahahaha....)


	3. Bwaaah!

_(Sarah continues to fall and scream)_

Sarah: BWAAAHH!

_(Then suddenly she starts to slow down. The shaft she is falling down is lined with stone-colored hands, which start to grab onto her until she comes to a complete stop)_

Sarah: Okay, this is just weird.

_(Some of the hands come together to form a face)_

Face #1: Fine! Just let her go then!

Sarah: No! What I meant was...um...thanks.

Face #1: No problem! We just have one question for you...

Face #2: Are you ticklish?

Sarah: You've gotta be frickin' kidding me.

Face #3: Let's tickle her!

Sarah: Guys, I'm halfway to falling to my death, and you want to tickle me? And I thought _I _was air-headed!

_(My apologies.)_

Sarah: Thanks, narrator dude.

Face #2: Oh, come on. Won't you let us tickle you?

Face #1: Yes, please?

Sarah: Believe me. I'm the last person you want to tickle.

Face #1: Oh, nonsense! Tickles are fun! See?

_(The hands begin to tickle her. Sarah squirms)_

Sarah: I'm warning you...stop!

Hands: Weeee!

(_Sarah makes a sound something like a grizzly bear attacking a wild boar. Then with a wild look in her eyes, she starts biting off fingers.)_

Face #1!#$

Face #2: She bit off my eye!

Face #3: Forget it...just let her go before she kills us all!

_(All the hands quickly let go of Sarah, and she begins to fall again. Before long, she lands with a plop.)_

Sarah: That's a funny word. Plop, plop, plop...

Hoggle: Focus, Sarah.

Sarah. Oh, yeah...hey! It's you.

Hoggle: Yep, it's Hoggle. A very relieved Hoggle. I thought they'd caught a banshee up there.

Sarah: Oh, you heard me?

Hoggle: Heard you? My ears are bleeding!

Sarah: Well, I warned them. _(She stands up) _My dad lost a nostril like that once when I was eight--

Hoggle: I don't want to know. Anyway, I knew you'd get into trouble, so I came to help you out.

_(Sarah looks around. She's in a small room lit only by the candle held by Hoggle)_

Sarah: Where are we?

Hoggle: This is an oubliette.

Sarah: An ooby-whata?

Hoggle, No, oubli_ette_

_Sarah: _What's an oober-goober?

Hoggle: (s_ighs) _It's a fancy hole in the ground.

Sarah: Oh, why didn't you say so?

Hoggle: I have no idea.

_(Sarah looks around)_

Sarah: So there's no doors or windows or anything?

Hoggle: She's a bright one!

Sarah: Well, how do we get out?

Hoggle: Well, lucky for you, I know a shortcut out of the labyrinth--

Sarah: No! I can't go back now, I've come too far!

Hoggle: Well, it only gets harder from now. So you do really want to go on?

Sarah: Why are you so concerned about me?

Hoggle: Well...I..uh--

Sarah: _(Smiles) _Ooh, I know why!

Hoggle: What?

Sarah: You think I'm _goooorgeous_, you want to _kiiiisss _me...

Hoggle: I do not! Stop that!

Sarah: (Hops around) Sarah and Hoggle sitting in a tree---

Hoggle: Stop that! _(Covers his ears) _I'm not listening!

Sarah: Oh, Hoggle, you're so cute when you're flustered.

Hoggle: You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

Sarah: Alright, I'll stop, but you have to help me get through the labyrinth.

Hoggle: I don't wanna!

_(Sarah takes off her bracelet and shows it to Hoggle)_

Sarah: C'mon, you know you want it.

Hoggle: Oh...er...uh..._(sigh) _fine. I'll take you as far as I can. Only because I'm not one to turn down fine plastic.

_(Sarah gives him the bracelet and Hoggle giggles gleefully)_

Hoggle: Alright, come on.

_(He picks up a piece of wood and puts it against the wall, then opens it like a door. The two monsters from Monsters Inc.© pop out)_

Sulley: Come on, Mike, we've gotta find Boo!

Mike: For the last time, I don't care!

Hoggle: Um...excuse me, but...

_(Sulley looks around)_

Sulley: Oops, wrong door. Our mistake.

Mike: You never saw us.

_(They quickly run back inside and shut the door. Sarah stares on, her mouth agape.)_

Hoggle: Happens all the time. _(He opens the door a second time) _Ah, here we are!

_(The door opens into a cavern with stone walls. They walk through the door. Surprisingly, the rocks can talk)_

1st rock: Beware, turn back!

2nd rock: The path you take will lead to certain doom!

Hoggle: Ignore them. They're just decoys. We're on the right path.

2nd rock: Oh, no you're not!

Hoggle: Can it, granite face!

2nd rock: Who you callin' granite face, melon head?

Hoggle: You're mom was a stalagmite!

2nd rock: Why I oughta...

Sarah: Hey, guys, can we cool it?

Hoggle: _(mumbles) _gravel mouth...

2nd rock: Hobbit wannabe...

_(They continue walking for awhile into what seems like an underground pipe system, when Sarah spots someone)_

Sarah: Eep!

Jareth: Well, well! What have we here?

Hoggle: Er...

Jareth: Hello, Hogwart.

Hoggle: It's Hoggle.

Jareth: Right. That's what I said.

Hoggle: Well, actually, you said--

Jareth: Hogblaster, you weren't helping this girl, where you?

Hoggle: Helping? Heavens no! I was just...leading her back to the beginning so she would be all confused and stuff!

Sarah: Hoggle! How mean! You know how easily I get conf--oh...right!...back to the _beginning. (Exaggerated wink)_

Jareth: Why are you winking like that?

Hoggle: She wasn't.

Jareth: Yes she was! I just saw her!

Hoggle: Oh, look at the time. We'd love to stay, but we've really gotta go...back...to the beginning...like I planned. _(Sarah snickers like she's super clever.)_

Jareth: How are you enjoying my labyrinth, Sarah?

Sarah: Back the beginning...brilliant!

Jareth: You're easily amused, aren't you?

Hoggle: _(rolls his eyes)_

Jareth: Well, then you should find this hilarious.

_(He takes out a crystal ball and hurls it into the darkness. Then suddenly, a huge disc with rotating blades spinning around it appears.)_

Sarah: Hey, that's not funny!

Hoggle: RUN!

_(They both take off down the pipe.)_

Sarah: Augh, this kid is barely worth it!

_Stay tuned...the fourth chapter is next:)_


End file.
